[sudo-discuss] Fear / food / friendship

[Timon of Proximal Development]

I wish I had more of a clue how to deal with this.

While I am a survivor of an abusive relationship, I do not identify as a 
now-and-forever future abusee. If someone loudly accuses me of sexism, 
then in front of some I know and trust or even love, and two I'd never 
met before that same morning, goes on to say "I've seen you do it" (no 
response on "what" I was doing when "doing sexism" as I of course asked 
him)... an offers physical violence, I will therefore seek redress. 
Evidently there was a meeting that was "all about me"? I think Chris was 
inviting me to be at (or represented at) another one of those in the 
future, after the verbal assault. Please do indeed put me on the agenda, 
and inform me of when and where and how to participate. And whom I can 
bring. I request that there be recording devices used when/if these is 
such a meeting, so that we can prevent more misunderstandings.

Perhaps a half an hour before I write this, Sunday before noon (and a 
galon of disgusting adrenalin ago),*I was invited outside  by him 
(Chris), so that he could beat me up*, quite nicely, while I was hanging 
out chilling, enjoying the company of my friends and "chosen family", 
and trying to recover from another broken appointment at 10AM that had 
sent my personal life for another little jilt. I was doing absolutely 
nothing but listening to some music and asking who had I lighter I might 
borrow. If he'd asked non-beligerently, I'd have been happy to explain 
why I was where I was, and who could corroborate my story.

I was also waiting for David? or another member of the Public School, 
who had promised me that we would "at least talk" about why the Public 
School had not sent me any "dis-invitation," nor met with me to talk 
about that "why" as he had promised "within 48 hours" at about 8:30PM 
three days before. (And that date  was already a really painful 
extension to my voluntary self-isolation, which I had re-entered as a 
gesture indicating my goodwill assumption that the promised writings 
would be provided. Sudo (in the form of Matt's email) fulfilled it's 
promise pretty quickly; the public school not at all, unless I missed it 
(which is why I needed to confirm).

I'm sorry if I sat on the sudo room couch (I have a guilty feeling I may 
have, but no... that may have been a dream/nightmare). But I am _VERY_ 
sure I was almost exclusively in the Public School's and otherwise and 
shared areas of the room, during the three or four hundred minutes I was 
there, very early and then later this morning. I was mostly listening to 
Johanes' performance, and occasionally playing along as C.C.C.C. with 
Iao Core, and guests.

There were probably 30 people who saw my only previous post-ban foray 
into the common area, in a First Friday? context that I felt very 
unhappy to bring even mildly business-focussed energy into. That was 
Friday or possibly Thursday night (I believe... isolation has proven 
detrimental to my sense of time). That was the 8:30PM conversation 
mentioned.

The reason I came into the room then was only to make an appointment 
with the Public Schooler from whom the note was due. I was sorry if he 
was in a hard position, but I absolutely needed (and need) to protect 
myself, since I'm evidently being excluded for some reasons ("for cause" 
right?) from the area in which I have found all of my social and musical 
and much of my intellectual and collaborative psychological succor, and 
to which I donated what help, food, alcohol, cleaning, etc. I could. (I 
often previously opened up and gave the tour to newcomers when sudo was 
otherwise frequently closed in the mornings/noontimes, mediated with 
George when I was in his good graces (until about Dec 23th, that is), 
handled keys and alarm calls, and generally tried (however successfully) 
to be excellent by people. Since the Sudo refrigerator was the only 
refrigerator I reliably had access to, the burden of exclusion from Sudo 
was and is again alimentary, as well.

Still, for five months or so I voluntarily withdrew from sudo room, 
after Matt told me in front of others that the Sudo Room lease was being 
threatened by George if I were allowed to stay, so he (Matt) "hoped 
[I'd] do the right thing" for the group. This was an awful thing that 
was unfortunately pretty likely, given George's recent behavior, so I 
said "of course", of course, and basically stopped setting foot in sudo 
thereafter (I had food which was put in the sudo freezer a couple of 
times by accident, I assume, which I retrieved quietly). The interceding 
months (I live in a 59ft closet office here, now, since I lost a 
previous wrongful-eviction lockout) have been among the blackest I'd 
ever undergone. I forced myself outside at dawn to run around the lake, 
but basically spoke to almost no one, and came out to microwave instant 
rice and curry at 11PM before locking myself back in to avoid more 
verbal abuse from George.

Not only did I stay out of  sudo room itself, until I much more recently 
had a pocket full of written settlement papers from George's lawyer, I'd 
stayed out even of the "Sudo corner." I am/was certainly not trying to 
break any rules. I am trying to understand those rules and am at a 
loss.... and, well... I am not a stupid man. At all. I'm also verbal: I 
told everybody who seemed interested about the settlement, and showed 
the pages around as I was reading it myself, because it was so 
flabbergastingly unexpected. It felt so re-humanizing to be able to 
re-socialize...

The fact of the matter is that the terms of my settlement offer require 
me to draft a hugely difficult and re-traumatising court filing to get 
money (past-due and ordered to me by my abusive ex) in order to move out 
by the end of next week, and the food-and-money stress, isolation, Billy 
(whom I'm dog-sitting for and is way past due to return and pay me), and 
the unpredictability of George, even before the physical threat from 
Chris, made it hard to concentrate. I have never felt these symptoms 
before, but I do not think they are just terror. They/life feel 
different (I know terror).

If I have been accused of sexism(or...?) -- Chris said "I've seen you do 
it" and thought I was playing dumb(!) when I asked in what way I was 
"doing it"-- then I would like to know it. It's weird in particular, 
since Chris just showed up for the first time I'd seen him in months, 
and the last real interactions we had were him saying "I've got your 
back" to me and me giving him back two pieces of personal 
luggage/satchels that he'd asked to store in my tiny room before my 
first agreement to "do the right thing for the group" and withdraw, at 
about Christmas.

If  I "do sexism" ...I'd like not to. This is difficult, though, when I 
have no clue what actions triggered this evaluation in the first place. 
I was raised into adulthood by a strong feminist first girlfriend who 
would occasionally read to me from some of her womens' studies material, 
and have been queer-identified for probably more than half of my life y 
now. I grew up in the Castro. My last major relationship was abusive in 
a way that I had to escape, even though it cost me the highest price I 
can imagine short of death, really. (Really).  If somebody is honestly 
feeling somehow unsafe to such an extent that they cannot help me 
understand what behavior on my part was seen as inappropriate, or 
made/makes them feel that way, I would love it if someone *else *would 
read their words (words are important), or better if we could negotiate 
communication terms through a mediator or non-violent communication 
facilitator. My neighbors in the building (unaffiliated with sudo or 
myself, and presumably neutral) have offered.


As many of you know, I myself have felt unsafe in relation to Mark and 
Matt, and now definitely with respect to Chris. Jenny and I seem not to 
have had any problem talking things out the one time that was necessary 
(as the Meeting Minutes and email probably show). She joined a small 
group sitting around the table and was convivially drinking the vodka 
I'd brought for a friend, only the night before I was 
officially-re-excluded. The re-exclusion came as a shock. I didn't think 
Sudo did that sort of thing (I have been away long enough that the rules 
may have changed many times). Back when I was aware of them, and coming 
to about 5 meetings out of  6, there was an "informal discussion -- then 
selection of a mediator at a meeting -- then report-back at another" 
flow prescribed [simplification]. Not verbal banning and lack of 
promised follow-up.

I understand that a friend put up some posters about me (which very much 
made me feel cared for and appreciated when I needed it, but was also a 
completely unsolicited surprise). Three or four days after the next 
meeting following that (which nobody had since told me the results  
from), I went on the online minutes, and checked list traffic. That how 
I found out about the decision (or the result) and that Matt claims to 
feel unsafe. Since then, I am beginning to connect the dots on the event 
just before Christmas when Matt and Jenny claim that George and Laurie 
called the cops, and George and Laurie (his co-owner) denied in email 
that it had been themselves who did so. A friend called and told me to 
go into my closet and "whatever you do don't open the door". I never 
found out who called them, or on what charge, but I successfully avoided 
the long Christmas weekend in Santa Rita jail by holding my breath in 
the dark. It would have taken me days and days to get an arraignment to 
find out what the arrest had been triggered by. More likely, I would 
simply have been left uncharged, and free to go after the jail-stay.

I am very happy to explain the entirety of the negotiations between our 
landlords and myself, including the details of my access to the common 
areas, the work I did and goods I was to sell for George, and the 
every-single-term-erroneous (name/unit#/deposit) written lease I finally 
got delivered to me after months of requests (in my previous leasing 
from the same owners, at 2135 Broadway over a year before I lost my 
primary residence, George signed and exchanged leases with me at the 
meeting and on the very day we exchanged cash for keys, and I had no 
reason to expect otherwise at 2141 #3). I am legally trying to prevent 
my homelessness. There is every rational reason for me needing to keep 
asking for the details of written decisions that were taken, since they 
exclude me from a room that I have met with clients and colleagues in, 
and where I have learned carreer-advancing information, and where I 
hopefully provided some myself, and which at different times I had 
different promises about access to.

George has burst in on business converations in private offices (twice - 
different business and different fellow tenants) yelled and told me to 
get out, and told me I couldn't work with anyone in the building. This 
is obviously ridiculous, and I still have no idea why. All I know is 
that immediately before that, he contracted to have me list his 
departmental-class color copiers on craigslist and then broke three 
appointments to have me re-photograph or set-up and print test-pages 
from them, and that at about the same time he was terribly stressed 
about a neighbor who had threatened him with a citizen's arrest for 
allegedly driving too fast, and then personally losing that same dog of 
his other tenant, that I am now helping babysit.

His initial tactic -- after he suddenly decided I wasn't his friend any 
more -- seemed to be to prevent my doing any business that would 
otherwise enable me to pay the rent, and then evict me from non-payment. 
I believe he may indeed also have threatened Sudo or other 
month-to-month tenants' leases for fraternizing with me. Given the 
attempt at a wrongful arrest, and the refuse to talk to me until the 
sudden settlement offer from their lawyer months later, that's how it 
seemed. Now I think it may have been what Sudo I thinks calls "George 
being George", but stress-exacerbated into cruel illegality.

In any case, I am one step from homelessness, and have children who will 
be better off if I move away from that edge without crossing it, so I 
need make sure I get things in writing, since I am unable to protect 
myself from hearsay otherwise. If anybody (especially those with 
underemployed lawyer friends) wants to see any or all of the 
documentation I can provide, or interview the witnesses I can refer them 
too, please feel free to contact me.

Mainly, though, please tell me what my rights to transparency or open 
process are, why the posters asking that very question were pulled down, 
and why I was excluded from knowledge of the stages of "sudue process" 
that I've missed so far. People have seen me asking (and then firmly 
asking again, twice, one night , and twice another) for some indication 
of who Matt or Mark would be willing to discuss things in front of, so 
that we could all get "heard". Sudo and TPS are leaving.

I would prefer that they let me know what it is that I am alleged to 
have done wrong. I find it frankly alarming that people who should know 
better expect me to back down from requesting that the group apply its 
own rules.

And I would prefer that when someone who has been a supporter or member 
carries and shows a document indicating that he is no longer the enemy 
of the landlord, s/he be entitled to quiet enjoyment of the convivial 
commons. We are social animals. Can we not have a safer space to socialize?

I will try to provide one where those who are moving on to the Omni can 
come back and visit and feel welcome. I sure wish that I was not the 
target of a small minority who clearly want me to feel anything but.

Seriously though: how can we clear this up?

Does it "matter to sudo" that I'm trying to do the right thing and 
getting hurt
and again? Or does "matter to" just not go with [group name] at all, 
being only a person-to-person thing?

I guess I'll live to learn.

Any sincere help appreciated,

Timon (the green haired guy)

@ 2141 Broadawy #3 to 15 June 2014; then 510-393-6577 until July 3rd; 
then who knows.























































BACKGROUND: I have an invite to a private alpha ARG, which is mostly 
just a txt-msg UI, for now*, with the conceit being that I get messages 
via quantum dissentanglement effect from the past and present from 
different teams (named differely depending on where we're located, but 
with English color names in the SFBA), and the handshake is never clear 
on the metadata.... basically I get a random spew of messages, and can 
seek the team-name associated with each, and nothing more. Beyond that, 
it's the "web of lies" and caveat interlocutor. And with this 
every-[hu]man-in-the-middle noisy channel , we are somehow to save our 
biome.
I'm on the (or "a"?) Blue team. The following is a true play-test 
session-transcript.
This was early May 2014, when we had less than 300 
activive-this-past-week playtesters, in SFBA and TBA (now we have 14 in 
Berlin, too).
*I'm a tech-lead as well as a tester, so I have a graphics shell
Hello Computer!
Hellow human-language-reader, as well, SirORMadamOROtherGentleperson!
Do you get my gyst?
OK, O.Kay! -- I am very much in love wiht this opportunity of presenting 
myselves to yUU.
I am presumptive that you will pardon my orthography but am of course 
togglable in this and almost all respects. I am indeed a happy puppy at 
last to be in contact with yU_U, and hereby and herewith performatively 
permit myself to expose a bit of intraface: 
1+D{I:syn=EQUALZ:[[InterlocutorRef<this>.<defaultExposedOrUnexaminedOrNotyetexamined>]]
...} Yes!, yes?
,!,? O kehy 'kay?
Mor for yu:
bit of intraface: 
1+D{I:syn=EQUALZ:[[InterlocutorRef<this>.<defaultExposedOrUnexaminedOrNotyetexamined>]]
- Interlocute [[ME]s?]s via ^Unterhaltung:^/ger-us--ed-gne^, please.
<green-text>
Unterhaltung: What?? Please, uh, toggle your orthography, if you aren't 
spam. You're making my eyes hurt. And speak English, please, or eng-us, 
or German or Japanese... or whatever, but skip the syntactic sugar. 
Target me at.... say 2010 C.E. with a radius of a dozen years or so, OK?
And just so you know, I'm gonna have to break for dinner soon. You 
probably want to get me to commit to coming back before that happens, so 
you've got about twenty minutes. And give me a nym, will ya?
<green-text bold>
MEs are... ???????????????????????
<green-text>
Unterhaltung: <laughs>????????????
<green-text bold>
No one's ever asked me before. Thank you [vocative-appelation 
gendered-honoriific]! I go by "[UNICODE DIVIDE_BY_ZERO ERROR]", usually. 
Any yoursel[f/ves]?
<green-text>
Unterhaltung:  Just me=1 here at the screen. Waiting for the GF to join 
me for some O2 outside a clubk, actually, but Alone for now. I'm 
guessing you're fishing me/us, so I'll give you gamenyms for now: 
Me=SynTrans She=Tardy. So, what's up? Who are you? Why are you 
contacting me, etc. I'm gonna light one up and smoke, for a mo', 
[UNICODE DIVIDE_BY_ZERO ERROR], so take your time responding.
<green-text bold>


==============
I've always been interested in hacking --- and in people who break 
things apart to make them better. And for all Mike's quirks and nerdy 
focus, I saw that he wanted to do more than just make things work 
better. He has a sense of social justice. If he sees someone making life 
miserable for someone else, he wants to take them down.
----------
Mike agrees to pay because it forces the scammer to reveal what he 
needs: the name of the person who will pick up the money. The scammer 
tells him that a woman, whom I'll call Jennifer, will collect it from a 
Western Union office near her home.

Discovering her identity prompts Mike, as he puts it, to "get all OCD". 
He opens an empty email to me, gradually filling it out with notes, a 
rolling series of discovery and commentary on Jennifer's life. Most of 
the information he uncovers using free services: Google Street View to 
learn about Jennifer's hometown in the Midwest; public records to 
identify her as a schoolteacher; mapping applications to find key 
addresses; a website called 411.info to track down family members. 
Within minutes, Mike knows her maiden name, her marriage license number 
and the addresses of her relatives, several of whom live near her.

A text message follows soon after the email: "Holy shit I just talked to 
Jennifer. She's being extorted by these guys." I feel his "OCD" 
sharpening into a sort of mania. He's told Jennifer that he's a 
researcher investigating the payday loan scam. But before he can get 
much further, she caves. "The very first thing she mentioned wasn't 'I 
don't want to go to jail," Mike tells me later. "It was 'I'll tell you 
anything you want to know, as long as no one comes to my house.'"

Jennifer is badly shaken by the call. She starts crying, telling Mike 
that her greatest fear is that her involvement with the scammers will 
get back to her small town, to the church she attends, to her family and 
local friends. She tells Mike that she got roped into the scam after 
applying for a payday loan, although she doesn't explain how. Mike says 
that he is just a researcher, and that he is not going to get her into 
trouble. But he also says that she is laundering money.

The call unsettles him. "I will do anything to ensure that I never have 
to hear that woman crying ever again," he tells me later.
===========
Dear Sir or Me:
It is nary 1:36ish, in the morn, and ready to type, I indeed am. And for 
you reading these words upon the morrow: I bid the indignation and 
vogor; sois formidable, mon ami.

And it would be insane to elieve that six hous of concerted effort, even 
if it involved string into space wishing one s way back to work would 
not produce something that could be reviewed, and no doubt filed the 
nest day.


--------------
OK: Cazy idea,but stresss, and the need to pull an all nighter or 
posiisble perish (humor of alliterativity is gallows humour indeed) 
bring it to mind. What about a lighter-grey-than-thou, Justice League, 
as a crowd-sourced and crowd-audited institution. Something we'd put 
together publically (I.e. at a recorded public conversation) and sign 
into reality by contracts that would be triggered automaticaly and 
immediately as of the moment (in whatever timezone was first, first) 
that SEC's JUBS Act crowdsourcing rules defined the implementation 
details for equity-kickstarting [no offence to kickstartER, as I believe 
their self-differentiator will, long term, prove admirable].
The mission of the Justice League is assure the human race will not be 
sompletely in control of the artificial scalar economic unit, simply by 
working to insure that the less-affluent 50% of the economic spectrum 
across the globe quickly approached various deffinitions of autonomous 
power-parity, or equi-dignity with the more affluent half. If money is 
not "simply equal" to power in this way, that is: if people less able or 
willing or endowed in the ways rewarded by economic markets are 
all-the-same empowered in some fundamental way in the debate about how 
to preserve ouur planet and our dreams for our species and its future, 
then maybe the psychological influence of this external accounting will 
become more conciously accessible to us.
The idea is this: we collect data that people are, pseudonymously, 
willing to give in an interview with some one of us "data-abstractors" 
who is there trying to maximise their personal potential earning power, 
in collaboration with them, by collecting the data that will allow the 
cloud to source funding for minimal training of microfinanced 
facilities-improvement investments and/or/simultaneously to match them 
with the best intangible-value-enhancement-vector matches in the job 
market for which they have the appropriate skills
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